You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
