Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
