Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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