That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
