Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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