I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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