Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
