Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
