I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
