I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
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