I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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