you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
