i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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