Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I puked a lego.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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