it hurts more in the daytime
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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