imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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