Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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