Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
