You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
