you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
