I accidentally had phone sex last night
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
