If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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