so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
