You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
