Just took my morning after pill in the library
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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