I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who wears a wallet chain?!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
