All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
