i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
