bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
