I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
