I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
