This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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