i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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