If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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