Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
