I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
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Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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