you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
