my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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