whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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