Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
