I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
