Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
