sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
