I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
