tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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