rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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