hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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