Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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