its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
