This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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