my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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