If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
