I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
