I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.