I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
