can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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