ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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