So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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